Yes it's one of those rare entries by me again.. Not that I don't want to, but sometimes I'm just so caught up with the many things of life.. actually it's just training and studying.
Come to think of it, I've spend the past 6 years living in total mayhem. (or mayham). Totally oblivious of the people around me, like my relatives, friends, etc. Not that I am apathetic, just that I can't find or can't be bother to care more about the people around me. Those less fortunate, old people, my relatives (whom i visit once a week from primary sch till JC), i totally bo chup. Not really bo chup, just can't be really bothered if they dont' cross my path.
I feel I've changed too. I used to be so full of self-confidence in whatever. Studies, sports, everything in fact. Nothing was a problem to me. Until i came to university. I took 6 years (and counting) to get my degree, when the normal student takes just 4 and with Honours. This was my downfall. Not that I was proud last time; I was just full of confidence. I always believe I could do it. Anything in fact.
And now, tomorrow is my first paper of my surposedly last semester in NTU. And I have no confidence AT ALL. I look at the past year paper, I could only do 2 out of 4 properly, and I'm not confident I will get it correct. What's wrong with me? I don't know, seriously. I've learnt that nothing is sure until it happens, and has it taken a toll on me? To be unsure of everything until I really get it? There's a fine line between being cautious and having no self confidence.
I am not even sure if I can pass all my modules and graduate this semester. I started 5-6 weeks before exam, staying in the school library till 10pm to study, EVERYDAY. I think i have done more than a lot of university students have. I felt I have been consistent. Or so I thought. And now at the eve of my examination, I'm like totally lost.
I even have suicidal thoughts. As in really suicidal thoughts. It started last semester, when I was studying, cos I was stress. But this semester, it was different. It's the fear of not passing all, and having to do it again next semester. The look from your parents, friends on the street who are already working, relatives, neighbours, who thought that you are doing your Masters cos u are taking freaking 6 years to get your Bachelor Degree. It's the fear of facing the outcome.
I remembered I wasn't like it before university. During pri, sec and even army, I was so confident. Not to mistake that with full of myself. I was just SURE of what I am doing. But now, no no. Studies is my Archilles Heel. And it is slowly making me lose my stride in other things as well.
This is my first semester that I gave up training at the gym and running, swimming for studies. Ask my friends around and they will know that it never happens. NEVER. I would wake up early, sleep at 2am, just to go for my long run from 11pm till 1pm (including my warm up, cool down for 21km+). And I would gym consistently 6 days a week, with only Sat as rest day. But this semester, I couldn't afford it. Not that I'm lazy, but I just couldn't make the time. It's been 6 weeks since I trained properly. And I've shrank like fuck. Seriously like fuck. My strength dropped. Running slowed. What the hell. If all these sacrifices could let me clear all this sem, I dont' mind. But the thing is, it's not CONFIRMED.
Today I studied at my grandma's place. Watch 2 hrs of TV (mind u that's the longest span of time spend watching TV since JC days. 7-8 years that is). I had an afternoon nap of 1hr. The simple joys of life. (I never had nap cos I think it's a waste of time to sleep in the afternoon, and I couldnt' sleep at night after that).
And my friends are starting their course tomorrow. 3 of them. And i hope if i can clear this sem, next year, it will be my turn.
And I think it's time to change. I want to find back my old self. The old confident, know-what-he-is-doing me. I can say that my self-esteem is at a all time low now. And I want to regain my old self.
Tomorrow will be a new start. I will try. =)
